Rev Richard J Mackin - the Old OpenZine

Dear Funions
10/10/2008 1:29:00 PM

So Funions are fun, huh. I will have you know that while Funions may be tasty, they are not actually fun. It is well known that the only food that is actually FUN are small sized candy bars (hence the term "fun size"). So there must be a more accurate description of you product then "Funion brand onion flavored rings are fun.” I would like to know what your feelings are on the many other onion flavored rings on the market.

P.S. Actually something about you is fun, the fact that there are no mention of anything onion related in the ingredients is quite funny.

Dear Mr. Mackin,

Thank you for your comments about FUNYUNS brand onion Flavored Rings. We are always interested in learning what consumers think of Frito-Lay products, & we welcome your comments. We appreciate you taking the time to express your views, & would like for you to have the enclosed.

Sincerely,
Sharon Taylor
Consumer Affairs

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Dear Mr. Clean People,
10/10/2008 1:28:00 PM

Settle a bet for me, Is Mister Clean a Nazi skinhead who was brought up by anal retentive parents or a working of the obsessively clean appearance-conscious gay male? Either way it is questionable politics. Is he naturally bald or does he shave his head? My thought is that he is probably balding, & would rather just shave all of his head & bald with dignity instead of doing that comb over thing.

Please respond,

Dear Mr. Mackin:

Thank you for writing to Procter & Gamble. we appreciate your interest in our advertising for Mr. Clean. Mr. Clean is an artist's conception of a magical genie. Like most genies he is bald & wears an earring. He has been representing Mr. Clean products since their introduction in 1960. Thanks again for writing. Sharing information about Procter Gamble products is an important goal of our advertising. If you have any questions or comments in the future, you may find it convenient to call the toll-free number listed on our product packages.

Sincerely,
Mary L. Bihn
Consumer Relations

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Dear Taco Bell,
10/10/2008 1:40:52 PM

In your ad in which a Father wants to play with his son's Taco Bell Nintendo toy, & it gets thrown accidentally out the window. They have to go to Taco Bell & then they both get toys. Did you know that the actor that you hired is the same actor in the "got milk" ad. It’s where the business man is mean to everyone & goes to hell when he dies? Is this the man you want to represent a father figure to Taco Bell patrons? A mean greedy man or is the point of the ad that he got reincarnated & even though he is still greedy toy wise, he is a better person all in all? Please inform me of your spiritual belief system.

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Burger king-Your Majesty,
10/10/2008 1:31:00 PM

I was looking at a package of your ketchup & I noticed that it was not just ketchup, but FANCY ketchup, & I was impressed & intrigued. I mean, a restaurant could get away with using regular old ketchup, or for that matter even CATSUP, but you go the extra mile & use FANCY ketchup. I am really curious to find out the difference between the two. What wonderful ingredients do you add to make this tomato product so fancy? I also cannot help but wonder, are there even FANCIER ketchup's out there? I mean, you are, after all, BURGER KING. I mean, you are a crappy fast food place that sells microwaved reheated pre-made paper enshrouded food. I certainly understand that you compensate by using such fancy ketchup, but really, is there REALLY FANCY ketchup? How about TASTE BUD ORGASM ketchup. What kind of ketchup hierarchy is there.

Please let me know.
Richard J. Mackin

Dear Mr. Mackin:

Thank you for your recent letter regarding the ketchup packets used in our Burger King restaurants. As a consumer, your comments & observations are important to us. The term FANCY which appears on the single serve packets refers to United States Department of Agriculture (USDA) Grade A ketchup, it is a standard of identification of the product. Our supplier for this product is Heinz USA.

If you have further questions regarding the ketchup you may contact their Consumer Affairs department directly at (412) 237-5740.

Thanks again for taking a moment to share your thought with us. I hope I have answered your question regarding this issue.

Sincerely,
Gloria Darling
Supervisor, Consumer Relations

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Dear M & M's
10/10/2008 1:32:00 PM

I was in a thrift store a few days ago. I saw the E.T., Extraterrestrial storybook. For a mere ten cents, I could not resist. I read it, fondly remembering my youth & the epic ballad by Mr. Neil Diamond. Then I got to the 11th page at which point I saw the words… "Elliott shrieked & scrambled backward, clutching his sleeping bag around him. The extraterrestrial jumped in the other direction. Then he held out his hand & opened it. Within the huge scaly palm was his last M&M, melting." WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? Never mind that they weren't M & M’s, but reeses pieces. I here that you were offered the part, but turned it down, dummies. “Within the... palm was his last M&M, melting.” MELTING? M&Ms melt in the mouth not in your HANDS. What are those bastards at G.P. Putnam's sons trying to pull here? When you sue, I would love to be a witness. Oh boy would it.

Thanks, please respond soon,

Dear Mr. Mackin:

Thanks so much for your letter. We value your opinion & are referring your comments to our Marketing Staff. Please accept the enclosed for a treat with the compliments of

M&M/MARS.
Chocolate Candies.

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Dear Peter Mackin,
10/10/2008 1:31:00 PM

Hello, this is Rev. Richard Mackin. I am not sure of our exact relationship, but I feel it is important to write if not for the same last name, for recent actions that you have taken. I have been led to believe that your company is threatening to destroy & build over protected ancient indigenous people's lands, what may be called "Ancient Indian Burial Grounds." On one level, this saddens me to be linked with a man who seems to be placing his own greed over morality, putting a short term profit over historic relevance & heritage, putting money ahead of what is fair & right. I hope that when you respond, you can clear any of this up. But almost more important is the specific- you are playing the role of the greedy developer building over Ancient Indian burial Grounds. The cliche itself is reason for any sane person to avoid doing this, but think about it, really.

Building over Ancient Indian Burial Grounds is like getting drunk & going skinny dipping late at night during a full moon. Don't you watch TV? Don't you ever see movies? The greedy corporate type ALWAYS builds over Ancient Indian Burial Grounds, & a whole bunch of people die, & usually the corporate type gets his in the end. Please do not let this happen.

Please respond, or at least acknowledge this letter.

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